Throughout our lives as mums we go through separation anxiety, from that first day we return to work and leave our twelve week old baby in the care of granny or some other capable person, to the first morning at pre-primary school when we drop our 3 three year old off to spend almost 5 hours with other people's children who we don't know and a group of adults who, ultimately are going to help mould our child into the person they eventually become...or that first school trip where they spend a few nights sleeping in a strange environment without you, and even later when they are older, waving them goodbye as they drive off for their first year of university...or even still, to seek greener pastures. Life is made up of firsts and it doesn't matter how young or old our children are, every single time we feel the same pangs of loss and yearning.
Since NiQi moved over to Charlotte Maxeke hospital, it is quite usual for me after the first week to really start missing her presense at home here and I get quite sentimental and dewy eyed as Johan and I play 'Derby and Joan' together. I think as a mother we always try our best for our children...we want the best for them too and at the time, whatever decision we make we are sure to feel that it is the right one for now. There may be times that years later we look back and think to ourselves that we could have done things differently, but that is beside the point, because at that time, it was right.
Today I have been thinking about all the 'mistakes' I have made over the years, not intentionally of course, but there are definitely times that I have been consumed either with worry or guilt about one or other of my children. I remember the time that I 'lost' NiQi at Greys' Hospital....Matthew was safely ensconced at school over the road from the hospital, Mark was sick and I had to collect both his and NiQi's prescriptions from the hospital pharmacy. NiQi must have been about 2 or 3 at the time and if anyone knew her when she was younger, she was an absolute handful at the best of times so to go anywhere with her and keep her energy levels at bay was quite some feat. She could never sit still for longer than a few seconds and I needed to have those eyes in the back of my head to see where she was and what she was up to at any given time. (It was thought at one stage that she must be suffering from ADD, but sadly we could not blame her high spirits or passion for life on anything other than her just being 'NiQi'.....) On this particular ocassion we had already been sitting waiting for some time to be called. I used to creep in the back row of seating and with Mark sitting on the chair next to me, or more often lying with his bum on his chair and his head on my lap, NiQi would most often be on the floor, colouring in her book or lounging all over her seat, talking to anyone who wanted to listen...even at a young age she had a way with people and she knew she was cute...lol There comes a time though in any girls' life when the bladder gets full and needs to be emptied and when the bladder is little it must be now!!!! At almost the precise time that I was called up, NiQi decided that she needed the loo...while I was holding Mark and going through the two prescriptions - which were both very large and contained a number of different medications, NiQi was next to me hopping from one foot to another until eventually she told me she had to go 'now'!!!! The bathroom was directly opposite the pharmacy, she had been there on many ocassions and as I said to her okay she must run to the toilet and come back to me, she sped off with me watching her back until she was inside. We finished going through the scripts and now Mark had to walk beside me because I needed both hands to carry the box and packets filled with medicines. As you can imagine, walking with a sick child, who didn't complain mind you, was like walking with a sloth in tow but we made it to the bathroom door and went inside to find NiQi. NiQi wasn't there, all the toilet booths were empty, there was no-one there. Panic ensued and I felt heat taking over my whole body as I called her name. We went back out and into the pharmacy, she wasn't there, we walked up the passage thinking she may have missed me and thought I had gone that way, she wasn't there...Then we walked to reception which wasn't far, all the while telling myself to stay calm, she knew the hospital she wouldn't go far and suppressing any thoughts that someone had kidnapped my child. I asked a friend who was working in reception if she had seen NiQi go passed her - no she hadn't. With me panicing some more, she then asked the security guards to check inside the immediate areas of the pharmacy, bathroom, reception and outpatients department for me while I went out into the parking area to look for her. All the while I was praying to God not to let anyone harm her and to keep her safe. I walked along the ends of each row of cars, not seeing her at all until I came to the row where I had parked. My heart fell as I didn't see her, but made my way to the car anyway. As I came round the drivers side of our car, there sat NiQi on the ground waiting...I didn't know if I should hug her or shout at her I was so relieved to find her...I chose to hug her and cover her in kisses while the tears poured down my cheeks. We put the medicines in the car and then carrying them both, one on either hip I went back inside to let everyone know I had found her. To this day I do not know how she and we missed each other, all I can think is that she had gone out of the other door in the bathroom which lead into the clinic passage and from there made her way out to find our car to wait for me...
There was another episode with NiQi when she was going through the 'terrible two's'... she decided to throw herself down on the floor in the animal feed shop, because I said 'no' to buying her a sweet or juice or something. The shop was small and not only could I see her but I could hear her, so unperturbed I carried on with my other purchases. Finally when I had finished and made my way to the till to pay, I stopped next to her and asked if she had finished as I was going to pay and go home now, to which she picked herself up and stopped crying immediately. She obviously thought, 'well this hasn't got me anywhere has it' and decided to stop. She never had another tantrum, but I have to say that there was an elderly gentleman in the store who had watched, and heard the whole thing and he tore me off a strip or two in no uncertain terms. I just ignored him and walked out...hehe.
So many memories but this will be the last for today as I am loving thinking of my children, but also have work to do...lol
When Matthew was almost a teenager, he decided he was going to run away from home....I can't remember his reason, but I am pretty sure it had something to do with NiQi being in his stuff again... He hated her touching his things and I didn't blame him, but most times I didn't even realize it until he came to ask me... Oooh teenage boys and their sisters who are almost 7 years younger than them didn't always get on and although Matthew was highly tolerant of NiQi, there were some ocassions that she just overstepped the mark. Anyway in this instance, he decided he had had enough and he was going to leave home. He packed a few things, none of which I can remember now, took the key to the gate that led between our property and the plantation next door and off he went. I didn't think he was serious but NiQi did and I remember her running behind him, crying her eyes out and begging him not to go. He unlocked the gate, went out and closed it behind him. NiQi came running inside telling me that Matthew was gone and I must call him back again. I went out, stood at the gate and looked into the plantation...there I caught him from the corner of my eye, hiding behind the wall where NiQi couldn't see him. I went backinside and heard NiQi calling to Matthew for ages, begging him to come home. Eventually she came inside and much later I saw Matthew slip back in when she wasn't looking. I didn't think he would really run away and NiQi was pleased as punch when she realised he was home again.
I know I am not a perfect mother, but I am a loving mother and I have tried my best for my children. It is at times like this when I miss them so much and all I want is for them come home...
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